Glad to have you onboard! Writing provides such relief that I don’t think I can stop. Otherwise the words badger me from the inside. It’s much easier to let them out.
A resounding yes from over here! It resonates with what my therapist told me several years ago: "when you say 'I'm sorry' what you're offering is to assist in carrying someone's load. If you are constantly apologizing for yourself, you are, in essence, proclaiming yourself to be a burden of sorrow. If you are not looking to actually help lift someone's burden, but want to express sympathy or an empathic understanding, the most effective thing is to validate the experience." So how this looks for me *now* is that I say a true "I'm sorry for your loss" when that is appropriate because if someone has died then those of us left *here* are tasked with helping to carry that burden of still being *here*. The rest of the time, unless I'm in the wrong and have been made aware of this fact and can own it with a genuine apology, I have started experimenting with saying things like "Oof, that sounds hard!" Or else I just listen to whatever story needs telling and then say "Wow! That's a LOT." Or something along those lines. I grew up with a person who apologizes compulsively, for the tiniest things, and then neglects to own their actual impact. It's a very dysregulating situation and I've noticed how little time I have for her these days.
Every time I read your writing, it resonates deeply with my experience. I concur: KEEP WRITING. It definitely does make a difference and I digest it slowly over time after reading for several days.
Thanks for the brilliant deep dive Pamela. You certainly are on it. Please keep on it. As a recovering people pleaser, I love the invitation/challenge to check in how I’m using language and my power. 🙏
You’re welcome Lisa. And thank you! This will definitely challenge your people pleaser. I’m trying to enlist my own in being interested in pleasing me instead of everyone else!
I loved the bald eagle btw. They’re known for keen eyesight, strong grip, and ability to soar effortlessly on air currents. Pretty fitting for deep dives, putting ourselves centre stage. Bring it on 💃
Bring it on indeed! Love the perspective on the eagle’s message! It makes sense that a Brit would have a different take and not see it is as we do, a symbol of America. I’m calling in all those traits for my healing- especially the soaring EFFORTLESSLY on currents. 🦅
I'm one of the lucky ones who never had to learn how to tell my boss to F*** off, partly because I'm my own boss, yet mostly because I usually (not always) just say the thing I mean. I'm also one of the extremely irritable ones who takes the brunt of people's passive aggressive energies when they don't say what they mean, or when they go on a covert attack in response to something they didn't want to hear.
As you said, there is a dissonance to what I will blatantly call a lie in someone's voice; and a resonance when it's a reflection of what's inside.
The principle of correspondence – – as above so below, as within so without. How did we become so far removed from natural law?
Thank you as always for sharing what's real.💙🐳🦋
(BTW, these emojis are honest reflections--not frosting).
Thank you, Chele. I like the language you use here about dissonance, resonance, and correspondence. That’s really helpful for me. And the capacity to feel this, even when I didn’t have the words to describe it, has been invaluable. There’s another level, too, of when someone is exactly lying, but also not telling the truth- lying to themselves perhaps or avoiding a difficult truth. Do you have a name for that? How did we get so far removed, you asked. I think there’s an element of forgetting that we are all one, which has been amplified by greedy parties to induce fear and “othering”. But that’s probably only part of the story. Thanks for the honest reflections. May those around you learn to say what they mean and be willing to hear the truth. 💙🐬🐳
First of all, I’ve never been thanked for my emotional intelligence. How lovely. I find it is often rejected by those who don’t want to go there.
Adaptive persona rings true to me. If that means what I think it does, that is! A sort of defense mechanism that prevents people from seeing the truth that would be too painful (or was too painful when the protection was installed, probably in childhood). A kind of avoidance strategy. Are we using different lingo to describe the same thing?
A rather brilliant and insightful essay. It cuts through bullshit one well-considered word at a time. Thank you. I mean it.
Why, thank you Katherine! I’m delighted my words were received in the spirit in which they were intended. You’re very welcome. 😍
You are entirely welcome, Pamela. I'm new to your stack and glad I found it (you)! Keep writing. It makes a difference.
Glad to have you onboard! Writing provides such relief that I don’t think I can stop. Otherwise the words badger me from the inside. It’s much easier to let them out.
A resounding yes from over here! It resonates with what my therapist told me several years ago: "when you say 'I'm sorry' what you're offering is to assist in carrying someone's load. If you are constantly apologizing for yourself, you are, in essence, proclaiming yourself to be a burden of sorrow. If you are not looking to actually help lift someone's burden, but want to express sympathy or an empathic understanding, the most effective thing is to validate the experience." So how this looks for me *now* is that I say a true "I'm sorry for your loss" when that is appropriate because if someone has died then those of us left *here* are tasked with helping to carry that burden of still being *here*. The rest of the time, unless I'm in the wrong and have been made aware of this fact and can own it with a genuine apology, I have started experimenting with saying things like "Oof, that sounds hard!" Or else I just listen to whatever story needs telling and then say "Wow! That's a LOT." Or something along those lines. I grew up with a person who apologizes compulsively, for the tiniest things, and then neglects to own their actual impact. It's a very dysregulating situation and I've noticed how little time I have for her these days.
Every time I read your writing, it resonates deeply with my experience. I concur: KEEP WRITING. It definitely does make a difference and I digest it slowly over time after reading for several days.
Thank you for this. It’s so nourishing to read these words. 😍
What a beautiful perspective. I think we could all be more careful about offering to carry a burden that isn’t ours!
Thanks for the brilliant deep dive Pamela. You certainly are on it. Please keep on it. As a recovering people pleaser, I love the invitation/challenge to check in how I’m using language and my power. 🙏
You’re welcome Lisa. And thank you! This will definitely challenge your people pleaser. I’m trying to enlist my own in being interested in pleasing me instead of everyone else!
Bring pleasing ourselves on 💪.
I loved the bald eagle btw. They’re known for keen eyesight, strong grip, and ability to soar effortlessly on air currents. Pretty fitting for deep dives, putting ourselves centre stage. Bring it on 💃
Bring it on indeed! Love the perspective on the eagle’s message! It makes sense that a Brit would have a different take and not see it is as we do, a symbol of America. I’m calling in all those traits for my healing- especially the soaring EFFORTLESSLY on currents. 🦅
🥳😂 Great ending, Pamela!
I'm one of the lucky ones who never had to learn how to tell my boss to F*** off, partly because I'm my own boss, yet mostly because I usually (not always) just say the thing I mean. I'm also one of the extremely irritable ones who takes the brunt of people's passive aggressive energies when they don't say what they mean, or when they go on a covert attack in response to something they didn't want to hear.
As you said, there is a dissonance to what I will blatantly call a lie in someone's voice; and a resonance when it's a reflection of what's inside.
The principle of correspondence – – as above so below, as within so without. How did we become so far removed from natural law?
Thank you as always for sharing what's real.💙🐳🦋
(BTW, these emojis are honest reflections--not frosting).
Thank you, Chele. I like the language you use here about dissonance, resonance, and correspondence. That’s really helpful for me. And the capacity to feel this, even when I didn’t have the words to describe it, has been invaluable. There’s another level, too, of when someone is exactly lying, but also not telling the truth- lying to themselves perhaps or avoiding a difficult truth. Do you have a name for that? How did we get so far removed, you asked. I think there’s an element of forgetting that we are all one, which has been amplified by greedy parties to induce fear and “othering”. But that’s probably only part of the story. Thanks for the honest reflections. May those around you learn to say what they mean and be willing to hear the truth. 💙🐬🐳
Hmmm. This type of lie could be called: a personification, or maybe an adaptive persona.
Thoughts?
And, I love your comment, "...the capacity to feel this, even when I didn't have the words." That's the best part.
Much gratitude for your emotional intelligence, Pamela.💜
First of all, I’ve never been thanked for my emotional intelligence. How lovely. I find it is often rejected by those who don’t want to go there.
Adaptive persona rings true to me. If that means what I think it does, that is! A sort of defense mechanism that prevents people from seeing the truth that would be too painful (or was too painful when the protection was installed, probably in childhood). A kind of avoidance strategy. Are we using different lingo to describe the same thing?
Yes!