Words Matter, Choose Wisely

Lately I’ve been super-aware of how easy it is to leak energy and integrity via the words I speak. When I say one thing and do another, I’m out of alignment. When I don’t speak up for myself, I’ve damaged self-trust. When I don’t say what I mean or mean what I say, there’s an element of disharmony in my system.

What follows is an odd assortment of incongruent patterns I’ve noticed and want to flag. They’re random examples of words lacking mindfulness and hence potency. Given the power of our voices to co-create, I’m doing my best to be more aware.

This means being more forceful in the paragraphs that follow than is comfortable. 😬 This is my growing edge: it’s not my job to make other people feel comfortable in a state of disempowerment. There’s a whole sea that ranges from coddling to enabling online these days. That’s not where you have landed.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, I’ll ask you to sit with it for a minute. If I hit a nerve, then likely there is some truth that has yet to be examined. I believe it’s really important when doing this work to meet ourselves with curiosity and compassion. Our current habits have strong roots in our upbringing and have been heavily influenced by industries that spent a kajillion dollars to slyly affect our thinking.

And, of course, everything is much more highly nuanced than can be covered in one blog. There are tons of factors that affect our patterns. My goal is to encourage you to examine yours to better step into full self-empowerment; not to suggest you should do it my way.

If you’re down with that, let’s dive in.

There’s a curious colloquialism here in Philly. People often say, “How ya doing” as a greeting. Notice I didn’t use a question mark. Because it isn’t a question. They keep walking by without waiting for a response. It used to drive me crazy; I’d be answering a question that wasn’t really a question from a stranger who wasn’t listening. Why did you ask if you don’t want to know? Sheesh. It took me a while to realize it’s just automatic lingo, likely learned through observation . Now I just say “hello” in reply.

How about the extreme overuse of apologies? When I apologize for something I’m not sorry for, I let my power dribble away.

Let’s linger here a minute. In the last day or so, two friends have apologized for not getting back to me sooner. Because they were working or sleeping. Why do we hold ourselves to a standard of constant availability and instantaneous responses? I didn’t expect them to get back to me quickly; they didn’t owe me an apology. It’s become almost reflexive, though.

Last week a lady apologized for standing in line in front of me. Huh? She got there first and as far as I could tell she was exactly in the right spot. If you feel the need to excuse yourself just for taking up space, please hear me when I say, you are allowed to unapologetically exist in this human realm. Don’t go blocking people’s driveways, but it’s truly ok to occupy a square foot or two in a grocery store.

(Note that this does not apply to condolences. I’m sorry for your loss, your troubles, your heartache- these are not the sorries I’m pointing at here.)

Unrelated, but here’s a bald eagle holding court in my neighborhood.

On the flip side, if an apology is truly warranted, diminishing it with an excuse saps its meaningfulness. “I’m sorry I kept you waiting, but I got busy.” This translates in my head into: it wasn’t my fault and I’m not taking responsibility for my lateness. An apology is an admission of wrongdoing, hopefully coupled with a vow to do better. “I’m so sorry I was late. I regret not planning better. It won’t happen again.”

The way I see it, empowerment means accepting appropriate responsibility, allowing us to create changes within our sphere of influence and save ourselves the frustration of attempting to affect that which is out of our control.

What about when you decline an invitation? “I’m sorry I can’t make it” is a standard reply. But are you? Are you sorry? Yesterday I received an email with a business “opportunity” that would have benefited the sender, but not so much me. I wasn’t sorry to decline, so I just said that I’d pass. It was tempting to say “no thanks”, but truthfully, I wasn’t thankful.

There’s nothing wrong with being polite. I strive to treat people with respect and kindness until they give me a reason to do otherwise. The problem only arises if I sacrifice myself, my dignity, or my life-force to comply with some antiquated rules from the Victorian era.

Here’s where it can get tricky. This isn’t an either/or situation. You can be respectful AND not say things you don’t mean. It will likely to take some practice until you get the hang of it.

It’s ok to just say no! You do not need to apologize unless you’re breaking an agreement, were inconsiderate or rude, or step on someone’s literal toes. You do not need to provide an explanation for why you’re saying no. It will likely be uncomfortable to stand in that silence while the other person is waiting for you to say more. Do it anyway.

If you have a close or complicated relationship with someone, it might be appropriate to delve into the why or negotiate a different arrangement. “I can’t at 10, but how about 9?” “I’d like to see you but I have to work then, are you free Tuesday?” Again, nuance. You get to be the judge of when it makes sense to elaborate. I’m just suggesting that you break the automatic response patterns and inquire rather than falling into default mode.

I find it confusing when I offer someone a glass of water and they say, “I’m good.” Of course you’re good, but would you also like a drink? Just say no! We’ve become so hyper-vigilant about not saying no for fear of hurting someone‘s feelings or making them feel rejected that we’ve created a whole culture around tiptoeing on eggshells.

It’s exhausting.

Another side of this is fear of asking for what you want. If you’d like my help moving on Wednesday at 11pm, just say that. It’s not necessary to wrap it up in a “gratitude sandwich” or give me an out by saying it’s ok if I can’t. I’m a grownup, I don’t need your permission to say no. I can just decline or make a counteroffer, you don’t need to pave the way for me to take care of myself. Also, I don’t need to apologize for not accommodating such a difficult request.

Oof. That sounds so bitchy. My inner people pleaser is not at all happy that I’m writing these words! She’d much rather I gave all my power away, didn’t rock the boat, was just nice and… beige all the time rather than just saying what I mean.

My inner dragon would prefer I were more fiery with my words. She’s not at all concerned with being nice, but tends to be overly harsh and… neon. Tempering the truth can help make it more palatable without sacrificing meaning; I’ve attempted to do that here.

I see “unfortunately” used a lot in circumstances that are not unfortunate at all. “Unfortunately, I can’t stay to help you with your last minute request.” is pandering to someone’s poor planning. Try “I’m not available to stay late.” instead. It doesn’t matter if you plan to go home and watch reality TV; your time is yours and unless your job description includes catering to such things, it’s a good muscle to exercise.

Obviously there are exceptions. It’s totally different if you are a caregiver or parent or emergency room doctor. But what about the times when you’re officially off-duty? Does over-availability follow you into the rest of your life?

It’s debatable if using “unfortunately” coupled with an irresponsible action is accurate. “Unfortunately, I ran a red light and got a ticket.”? Nah. “I made a poor decision to run a red light and suffered the appropriate consequences.” seems to be truer.

Something else I notice is the confusion of an offer and an ask. The distinction is: who’s it for? You or me? If it’s for me, then I’m making an ask/request of you. Dressing it up as an offer/opportunity for you is misleading.

“Feel free to reach out” is an offer for you to contact me if it would benefit you. You’re invited to call me if you’d like. If I’d like you to call because I need to talk to you, it’s much clearer to say, “Please call me, I need to talk.” Be courageous and leave out “at your earliest convenience”. If it’s urgent then say so! “Please call me ASAP, it’s important!” Not, “Feel free to reach out when you get a chance. Totally ok if you don’t want to.” Come on.

This became apparent to me a while back when I heard a man leave a voicemail saying, “Call me back right away.” and it made me soooo uncomfortable. Are we aloud to say things like that aloud? 😬 A few minutes later I heard his wife do the roundabout “at your earliest convenience” routine. Wow. These gender roles are really baked into our behavior, eh?

How about the ubiquitous “thank you for your patience”? If you want my patience, ask for it; don’t try to manipulate me by giving thanks for something I haven’t offered.

It started with customer service centers, I think, where the employees were trained to encourage callers to act decently, but it’s spread into everyday interactions. Thanking me for my patience is supposed to activate the patience within me but really it just pisses me off. Who said I’m patient? I am not. I have not consented to being patient.

I will be respectful to the random employee who’s not to blame for the “higher than average caller volume”, which btw is a BS spin of “this business values profits over its employees and customers, so they’ve reduced staff to save some money.” Don’t mistake humanity for patience; it’s tolerance that precedes a desire to take my business elsewhere.

Man, I’m on a roll! I won’t get into marketing mumbojumbo. Just trust that there’s nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to buy anything to make yourself acceptable. I’ll spare you my rant about statistics. I remember the day in 1990, Stats 101 at NYU, when we learned how to lie with numbers. The numbers might be real, but holy cow can they be twisted to “prove” whatever the wielder of said “facts” wishes to prove.

Sadly I have no control of corporations and their conduct. But I do have control over the words that come out of my mouth. I can complain, highlighting my identity as a victim. I can fawn, further cementing my survival mechanisms from childhood. I can hem and haw and do my best to make sure everybody likes me, essentially ensuring that my essence shrivels up and dies a slow, painful death.

Unfortunately, these are the primary patterns we see modeled in today’s society.

Alternatively, I can take a stand for myself and say what I mean and mean what I say. I can do that without lashing out or calling names. When I’m especially masterful, I can even remove the ire from my tone and rather than trying to force my energy on someone else, I can simply stand in my own power.

It could look something like this:

Your support means so much to me! Feel free to If you found value in this post, I’d very much appreciate if you tapped the heart button, shared your response in the comments, and/or subscribed. It’s much easier to spill your guts on the interweb when you know they landed somewhere safe. If you have the means and the motivation, you’re welcome to, invited to, have the opportunity to, you would make my day by becoming a paid subscriber or buying me a cup of coffee; this helps me to continue setting aside the time to publish posts like this. I won’t insult your innate agency by telling you that you don’t have to- you already know that, nor am I attempting to hook an apology- you don’t owe me anything.

If you want to practice the art of making your words matter, I’m totally here for that. We can brainstorm how to tell your boss to f*** off in a way that won’t get you fired. Feel free to reach out in the comments. 😊