Woof, this hits deep. I've been conditioned to put everyone else above my own worth. It has taken me 51 years to understand what "boundaries" actually ARE. I applaud your willingness to pave a path and then show us how it's done in the moment. It's being aware of how the boundary invasion actually FEELS in the moment of invasion that allows for this kind of self-empowerment to emerge. I've noticed a sensation of RAGE that arises now when someone doesn't respect my boundaries. It's undeniable, it's not "nice". And it demands to be honored, though not acted out. I am still working on the expression of setting the boundary because the feeling of anger is so potent - it's a trigger that brings every other boundary violation to the surface, which means unprocessed childhood rage and grief and fear of consequences. All in the moment. If I were in your shoes in the situation you just so generously shared, I think I would have really spiraled and gotten PISSED. So I have to practice being both aware AND controlling the way I express it. It's definitely a practice. A process. Thank you for bringing this up!
I love this awareness of what’s happening for you internally. That you’re bringing a lifetime of anger with you into each incident and that is intense. I find that basic boundaries that I believe are valid and I trust that others believe are valid, are easy and don’t stir up the rage. “Excuse me, please move over, you’re stepping on my foot.” No big deal, right? Because it’s an ask that would meet with approval from all the parts of ourselves and it’s easy to trust that the other person doesn’t have anything to argue about. When I can validate my own needs to the point that I don’t believe they are arguable, it gets easier to ask for things that might be more sensitive like a friend who is always late and keeps me waiting. When I dismantle any unworthiness and the resulting reactivity, there is no rage and I’m just a calm person making a reasonable request without fighting all of my inner demons and trying to keep it all together.
Being angry in the moment is often exactly that--a boundary, and why we become angry. This is called righteous anger (or whatever emotion is playing out).
Some years ago, one of my "teachers" said, "sometimes we need to look (act out a little) ugly for a while before we can express how we feel in the moment. Responsibility has many faces, and one of them is risk.
YES to looking ugly in order to get through to the other side. Woof. The ugly. It's all so uncomfortable and unflattering and even mortifying, but also, SO WORTH DOING if done with integrity and care. Responsibility! This is also a really rough thing, learning what that actually looks like and then being willing to keep working towards it.
Wow. Yes. This is the process I'm IN right now, and your support and candor are both a crucial part of the way it's unfolding. A wise therapist said once "the person with the most calm has the most power." And this has stuck with me. In your depiction of the "reasonable person making a reasonable request" I am seeing the embodiment of this kind of power.
I didn’t think YOU would call me mean, but fear of the collective backlash from the other people pleasers judging me has helped to keep me in line all these years. I seeing clearly that breaking free of the pattern includes addressing this fear.
Yes, boundaries. Not my strong suit. Especially with family. My step brother came last week to see his dad (my step dad) who is in healthcare, and it was good, because he actually got to see how far the Alzheimer's sickness has taken toll on his health, but I kept asking, quite nicely by the way, what his plans were, instead of "How long are you staying?" He never answered. He was here 5 days, a bit too long. It was a good lesson for me, because it won't happen again. Monday I had a healing session with one of my dear friends, working on childhood wounds, and she kept repeating over and over, "You have to take care of self." And again, it is not something that I was taught, but I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it. Baby steps. Blessings.
Wait, he was staying with you? Oy, 5 days is definitely too long! And an excellent lesson for sure. It sounds like you prioritized his comfort, like a nice “good” girl. What would it have looked like to take care of yourself as the first priority? If you can imagine it, it can become a real possibility for the next time a lesson presents itself.
Gesh, Pamela I can’t keep up with you. Another awesome post in a matter of days. I need to lay down. This subject hit me straight between the eyes, heart, gut and my soul. If a qualification existed in people pleasing I’d be a top student. As a pre term birth I think I was born trying to please. I’ll come out early, save you carrying me. Then I’ll carry/serve folk at whatever cost. What a weight to bear. It’s only been the last year that I’ve acknowledged just what a people pleaser I am. So much effort and little if any gains for me. I’m exhausted. And if my efforts aren’t acknowledged I get resentful, or worse, up my game. What a cycle. After reading your post and people’s responses, especially the embodiment, I’m going to park my bike up, get off and give myself a hug. Then me and my bike are going to work out a different route. One of assertive self respect and compassion. I’ll wave when I see you all. As ever, I feel a little self conscious posting through fear of sounding a little crazy with my terms and analogies. However, I want to become a top student in not people pleasing where appropriate. This class feels just the place to start. Thank you deeply to you all. 🚴♀️
Aaaah, my friend, how brave you are to acknowledge this about yourself. Taking care of everyone at your own expense IS exhausting. And isn’t curious how we try harder when we don’t get the praise we desire? Sigh. You don’t sound crazy at all to me. You sound like a dear friend who has struggled to know her worth in a world that is crazy and didn’t let you know how perfect you are. I’m cheering you on as you begin on this new route of learning to please yourself. xox
Woof, this hits deep. I've been conditioned to put everyone else above my own worth. It has taken me 51 years to understand what "boundaries" actually ARE. I applaud your willingness to pave a path and then show us how it's done in the moment. It's being aware of how the boundary invasion actually FEELS in the moment of invasion that allows for this kind of self-empowerment to emerge. I've noticed a sensation of RAGE that arises now when someone doesn't respect my boundaries. It's undeniable, it's not "nice". And it demands to be honored, though not acted out. I am still working on the expression of setting the boundary because the feeling of anger is so potent - it's a trigger that brings every other boundary violation to the surface, which means unprocessed childhood rage and grief and fear of consequences. All in the moment. If I were in your shoes in the situation you just so generously shared, I think I would have really spiraled and gotten PISSED. So I have to practice being both aware AND controlling the way I express it. It's definitely a practice. A process. Thank you for bringing this up!
I love this awareness of what’s happening for you internally. That you’re bringing a lifetime of anger with you into each incident and that is intense. I find that basic boundaries that I believe are valid and I trust that others believe are valid, are easy and don’t stir up the rage. “Excuse me, please move over, you’re stepping on my foot.” No big deal, right? Because it’s an ask that would meet with approval from all the parts of ourselves and it’s easy to trust that the other person doesn’t have anything to argue about. When I can validate my own needs to the point that I don’t believe they are arguable, it gets easier to ask for things that might be more sensitive like a friend who is always late and keeps me waiting. When I dismantle any unworthiness and the resulting reactivity, there is no rage and I’m just a calm person making a reasonable request without fighting all of my inner demons and trying to keep it all together.
Being angry in the moment is often exactly that--a boundary, and why we become angry. This is called righteous anger (or whatever emotion is playing out).
Some years ago, one of my "teachers" said, "sometimes we need to look (act out a little) ugly for a while before we can express how we feel in the moment. Responsibility has many faces, and one of them is risk.
YES to looking ugly in order to get through to the other side. Woof. The ugly. It's all so uncomfortable and unflattering and even mortifying, but also, SO WORTH DOING if done with integrity and care. Responsibility! This is also a really rough thing, learning what that actually looks like and then being willing to keep working towards it.
Wow. Yes. This is the process I'm IN right now, and your support and candor are both a crucial part of the way it's unfolding. A wise therapist said once "the person with the most calm has the most power." And this has stuck with me. In your depiction of the "reasonable person making a reasonable request" I am seeing the embodiment of this kind of power.
Most excellent, Pamela!
💜
Thank you Chele! Funny, I was braced for fallout. Is no one going to call me mean? 😆
Nope.
You are most definitely not mean!
I am cheering you on🥳
I didn’t think YOU would call me mean, but fear of the collective backlash from the other people pleasers judging me has helped to keep me in line all these years. I seeing clearly that breaking free of the pattern includes addressing this fear.
Yes, boundaries. Not my strong suit. Especially with family. My step brother came last week to see his dad (my step dad) who is in healthcare, and it was good, because he actually got to see how far the Alzheimer's sickness has taken toll on his health, but I kept asking, quite nicely by the way, what his plans were, instead of "How long are you staying?" He never answered. He was here 5 days, a bit too long. It was a good lesson for me, because it won't happen again. Monday I had a healing session with one of my dear friends, working on childhood wounds, and she kept repeating over and over, "You have to take care of self." And again, it is not something that I was taught, but I think I'm beginning to get the hang of it. Baby steps. Blessings.
Wait, he was staying with you? Oy, 5 days is definitely too long! And an excellent lesson for sure. It sounds like you prioritized his comfort, like a nice “good” girl. What would it have looked like to take care of yourself as the first priority? If you can imagine it, it can become a real possibility for the next time a lesson presents itself.
Gesh, Pamela I can’t keep up with you. Another awesome post in a matter of days. I need to lay down. This subject hit me straight between the eyes, heart, gut and my soul. If a qualification existed in people pleasing I’d be a top student. As a pre term birth I think I was born trying to please. I’ll come out early, save you carrying me. Then I’ll carry/serve folk at whatever cost. What a weight to bear. It’s only been the last year that I’ve acknowledged just what a people pleaser I am. So much effort and little if any gains for me. I’m exhausted. And if my efforts aren’t acknowledged I get resentful, or worse, up my game. What a cycle. After reading your post and people’s responses, especially the embodiment, I’m going to park my bike up, get off and give myself a hug. Then me and my bike are going to work out a different route. One of assertive self respect and compassion. I’ll wave when I see you all. As ever, I feel a little self conscious posting through fear of sounding a little crazy with my terms and analogies. However, I want to become a top student in not people pleasing where appropriate. This class feels just the place to start. Thank you deeply to you all. 🚴♀️
Aaaah, my friend, how brave you are to acknowledge this about yourself. Taking care of everyone at your own expense IS exhausting. And isn’t curious how we try harder when we don’t get the praise we desire? Sigh. You don’t sound crazy at all to me. You sound like a dear friend who has struggled to know her worth in a world that is crazy and didn’t let you know how perfect you are. I’m cheering you on as you begin on this new route of learning to please yourself. xox