So Long Internal People Pleaser

If you have a history of people-pleasing behavior, you know how brutally uncomfortable it can be to say no. Especially to a “worthy” or societally-approved cause, such as your family or job. It’s only a problem if this pleasing comes at your own expense; the cost of self-betrayal.

I’ve been working on this myself for several years and yesterday I had an “opportunity” to test my progress.

I was stopped by a young woman on the sidewalk as I headed to the food co-op. She was carrying a tablet and wearing an official looking “badge” of a well-known environmental group and a distinct air of urgency.

Maybe she was legit, maybe not. Fraudulent tricksters are pretty darn creative in their means of deception.

What I know for sure is that she was trying to get some money out of me and I wasn’t giving it. I don’t donate to panhandlers, and that’s exactly how this felt. A high-pressure tactic with a hearty attempt to induce guilt.

I used to fall for this a lot. Of course I care about the environment and when I can, I’m happy to donate to a worthy cause. But I decide what’s worthy in my eyes, based on the specific work, efficacy, and values of a non-profit, not on who hassles me on the way to my car. There are so many groups that claim to do good, but really they just seem to be pushing problems around and around and not addressing the root issues.

I explained to this eager do-gooder that I don’t make donations on the sidewalk. She doubled down. I wasn’t having it. Now she was intentionally infringing on my precious time and my friendliness vanished as I tried again to extricate myself.

Her last-ditch effort was to declare the group’s goal of cleaning up the water supply of the neighborhood in which we stood. A very wealthy neighborhood. It was probably a good tactic since most passersby were likely local, but I was on an errand outside of my own working-class community, which has the same questionable water.

And that was it. I was done being even the bare minimum polite. I was most definitely not donating to an organization that was making an effort to clean up rich folks’ water supply. I actually said words to that effect. Out loud.

Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

(Note that I’m not opposed to the upper crust having clean drinking water. Everyone deserves that. But it’s not a priority for me. My budget is very precise and expenses must pass a cost-benefit analysis.)

As I was walking away, I heard a feeble, “but…” behind me. This was the real test. I could pause and carry on this ridiculous conversation, trying to get her to see my point while remaining impervious to her wheedling. It would have been the nice thing to do.

How much time and energy have I wasted in this lifetime being nice to people who are trying to get something out of me without respecting the clear boundaries I’ve set? Too bleeping much! I’m done. She did not honor my initial “no, thanks” and was now actively interfering with my spare time and good will.

I don’t need to give any more attention to situations like this. It’s time to stand up for myself, to have my own back, to not abandon myself, no matter how unpracticed and clumsy my technique may feel.

Yikes!

Friends, it was hard. I felt very uncomfortable. I also felt bad for her, out hustling in the cold wind, believing she was helping the world while eking out a living. Then I took a few breaths, gave myself a good full body shake and woohoo! relished a substantial high of doing something new and empowering.

I carried on with my errand and returned to my parking spot by a different route, celebrating my liberation from this insidious pattern. If by chance you’re judging me as rude and wondering why I just couldn’t have been nicer, know that this is your people pleaser fighting for her survival. What would the world come from if we can just walk away from people who continue talking after we’ve said goodbye? 🤔

Later that day, I had another are-you-sure-you-mean-it “opportunity” when a dear client asked for a time slot that is outside my working hours. It was tempting to do it to please her, but after this uplifting experience, I held true to my self-promise to finish work by a certain time.

If you’re struggling with nice girl/guy syndrome and people-pleaser tendencies, have faith! It’s not a lifetime sentence; you can interrupt this pattern. You might not even be aware that it’s happening because it’s a behavior that gets applauded in our culture. But I bet you know it afterwards when you find yourself shaking your head, wondering how you got bamboozled again, and resenting the agreement you made that didn’t honor your essence.

You can most definitely live out the rest of your life like this, but there is a price to pay. Your life-force takes a major hit and eventually your health (physical, mental, and emotional) will suffer. You will never know the freedom and joy of being liberated from childhood conditioning and what it’s like to be true to your self.

For me, it began with knowing my worthiness, validating it every day by making decisions that reflected this knowingness, and increasing my capacity to be uncomfortable. It’s a practice and I am indeed a work in progress, but progress is the goal- not perfection.

If I did it, you can too! Are you willing to be the villain in some stranger’s journal entry if it means alignment with your truth and valuing your integrity? I highly encourage you to try!

I didn’t plan on writing this post. I’m surfing this wave of reclaimed life-force that had been tied up in managing and suppressing emotions around what people think of me and the WASPy programming about how to behave in public (smile on the outside, grumble on the inside, stew in resentment indefinitely). It was easier to type it all up than have it bouncing around in my head.

If you have a different opinion that you’d like to share and do so in a respectful way, I’ll be delighted to discuss.

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