I’m not special

And that’s ok

I often share a selfie in blog posts. Not out of vanity. The opposite, in fact. I generally feel self-conscious doing it, so there’s an element of facing my fears of being seen, judged, criticized. But also, I want people to see that I’m just a regular person.

There’s nothing special about me. My gray hair is multiplying, oddly wiry, and pokes up all over the place. I have crinkles and shadows around my eyes. I’m thick around the middle. People often tell me I have a nice smile, but I suspect that’s because it’s genuine more than saying anything about my lips.

There’s no filter here. No blow out, no stylist. I don’t even own makeup or any shoes that aren’t designed for comfort. That quintessential woo-woo flowy dress? Nope, not for me.

This is my favorite shirt. I found it at a thrift store recently and picked it for both color and texture. My mother instantly frowned her disapproval (think Marge Simpson’s “mmmmm” face) about choosing horizontal stripes. That was shortly before my father said something incredibly upsetting to me that I shall not repeat as you would also find it upsetting.

I still carry many of the wounds of my childhood and often imagine a different life in which I had an easier start in this world. But then I wouldn’t be me, would I?

Every month I MacGyver my finances to pay my bills on time. I just spent $200 on essential oils and consistently drop a small fortune on organic produce and grass-fed beef. Yes, I eat beef. Frequently. But not kale. Hardly ever.

I can’t keep chips at home because I snarfle them all. Immediately. I like trees and books more than most people. My astrology chart says I’m supposed to be interested in giving parties (PLURAL!) this week and I laughed out loud. As if.

I like spy shows despite the violence and love a good fantasy novel with magic and dragons. I tried going to the gym for a month and hated every minute in that space. I’d rather walk in the woods and get dirty.

I am quite skilled and creative at cursing and not shy about calling out bullshit when I hear it.

I am completely uninterested in promoting my work and delight in having lazy mornings whenever possible. I’m not trying to corner the market or develop my brand or grow my audience. The only reason I’m typing these words here is to get them to stop pingponging around in my head.

The best thing to happen to me recently is that my 10 year old nephew ran to give me a hug that nearly cracked my ribs when we were reunited after several years. Also I scored a totally free iPhone and a hand-me-down rebounder. Good times.

I’m just a regular person. I didn’t have an idyllic childhood, I’m not glamorous or virtuous or ambitious.

But I’ve chosen a unique path. One of authenticity and integrity and following my soul’s guidance. That hasn’t erased the pain I carry or the dented armor I am trying to discard. I’m still battered and bruised on the inside, battling limiting beliefs from cultural, familial, and societal conditioning.

There’s nothing special about me other than a desire to experience more out of life than the rat race. A desire to know who I am and share my gifts, to honor the earth and the seasons, to have meaningful connections with others who are on their own unique paths.

If you’re holding yourself back, thinking that you need to achieve X, master Y, compete Z before you can begin, think again. If you think you need to be a certain way, have certain skills, come from a certain background or get your life in order, think again.

If you think you’re too broken, too old, too fat, too thin, too rich or too poor… None of that matters. You don’t need to be vegan or abstain from TV or work tirelessly for a non-profit. You needn’t be a monk or have a guru or ever trek through the Himalayas.

You just need to make some time to get to know yourself. To pay attention to your needs and desires, to make room for your feelings, to examine your beliefs, and to listen for your inner voice. Slowly but surely all the things that get in the way will lose interest and your habits and patterns will shift.

Just as the sun rises every day, whether it is visible or not, your soul is with you, eager to guide the way to your true purpose. You’re already exactly where you need to be to begin this journey.

You don’t need to figure it all out. I sure haven’t! Just sit still and be quiet for a moment so you can receive the guidance that is trying to get through. Take a deep breath and ask to be shown the way. Be willing to hear the answer, however it may arise.

You don’t need to be special to get started.