Stop Trying So Hard

Oy. It has been unusually intense lately. I was already close to the tipping point last week when my check engine light came on around Tax Day and I learned that my dental insurance interprets “benefits” in a way that seems fraudulent to me.

Then I experienced a series of frustrations trying to make it easier for several people to get Reiki treatments only to meet resistance, attended an online workshop with great material but took up significantly more head space and time than expected, and got hooked on a library book that required 23 hours to read in 3 weeks or less.

I was at maximum capacity. Looking back, there were things I could have done differently. The most obvious is the silly book, but I got attached! I’d waited weeks for it to become available and really wanted to finish it on time. Digital books just disappear when they’re due, so there wasn’t an option to keep it longer.

Still, I wish I had let it go when I realized it needed an hour+ per day commitment! I can be stubborn like that sometimes. I could have released my agenda for helping folks with Reiki who weren’t really interested, and I needn’t have logged in for all 7 hours of that workshop.

I was at maximum capacity, but doing fine.

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

Until… Friday night I was awakened around 3:00am by angry shouting outside my bedroom window. This went on for over an hour! Someone called the police, and they came pretty quickly, which was reassuring. But still… by then I was already on full alert.

This disruption was just that- a disruption. There was never any danger. Just people yelling and waking me up. There were no weapons or vandalism, no threat to my space, my neighbors or myself.

But it pushed me over the edge, well past my tipping point. Hyper-vigilance had been activated and it took a few hours after the noise ended before I could find sleep again. And then I had disturbing dreams which left me in a funk when I woke up.

I have loads of tools for dealing with this. Curiously my meditation revealed a message: Stop trying so hard. I took my first deep breath since that rude awakening in the middle of night.

Instead of doing more things to cultivate equilibrium, I was given the message to do less.

Aaaaah… yes!

I did only what needed doing over the next few days, at a much slower pace and with big gaps of staring into space. It took some time to fully reset because my reserves were so low. I was patient and compassionate with myself and kept coming back to this revolutionary concept of not trying so hard.

And it worked! I slept well and woke up refreshed. Which is a good thing as I am on my way to visit my parents for a few days. The relationship dynamics are always challenging for me and returning to the house where I was miserable throughout middle and high school is an added complication. I need to bring my best self to this visit if I want to respond as the mindful, kind 52 y/o I am, and not the angry, shutdown 14 y/o I used to be.

(Plus, I’m premenstrual and it just aggravates me that such a thing even exists in perimenopause. Make up your mind, ovaries!)

 So… I’m back under the threshold of what my system can tolerate, but still a little closer to the edge than I’d like given these added elements. I’m really wishing I’d never ever heard of that book or workshop so I could have begun this trip with greater resilience.

But what’s done is done and this is the energy I have to work with. I’m definitely making note to not run so close to the edge in the future in case unforeseen disturbances appear. And I’m going to relax some of my self-imposed rules while I’m away from home. Maybe I can have a sandwich for lunch instead of packing a quinoa salad and maybe I can skip a day of yoga. I’m definitely not going to vacuum before I leave as I’d planned. I like to come home to a tidy house, but I just don’t have the energy to spare.

I’m going to stop trying so freaking hard and go easier on myself.

I’m guessing that somebody else out there could use this advice! You know who you are. ;)

Maybe we all can. Life is challenging enough without adding on the extra judgments we tend to carry, the burden of doing it all and looking good the whole time. You might need to face the gremlins of cultural or ancestral conditioning about what it means to be a good person, parent, spouse, etc.

Those neural pathways are often deep grooves and rewiring the belief systems might create some discomfort. Everything I’ve ever wanted in life was on the other side of some form of discomfort. The trick is learning how to face it without being forceful and triggering defense mechanisms.

Even when it comes to not trying so hard, we might have to remind ourselves to… not try so hard! 🙋‍♀️ Let’s remind each other because this type of change is easier in community.

Where can you reduce your efforts in order to experience greater ease, joy and freedom? Saying it aloud (or typing it in the comments) can be a huge step in the direction you want to go. Accountability gets awakened when we share these goals with others. If it’s easier, you’re welcome to send me a private message. Some things might be too tender to share with the public.

For starters, I’m going to call this article good enough, even though a part of me wants to continue editing. Whatever. It’s good enough and so am I.