Noooooo! Anything but this.
During my new moon ceremony, I was given a new assignment. I imagine the impetus behind it is to help me integrate Gemini energies, my least favorite of all the zodiac’s flavors. The ice cream equivalent of rum raisin. Bleh.
I can’t even argue as it came straight from the source.
You know, the thing that I’m always talking about, that perpetually guides me to my highest good, that has my back and my best interests at heart, that never ever steers me wrong.
My soul.
She says I need to play.
The horror! 😱
I don’t know how to play. I’m not sure I ever did. I have memories of dressing my Barbie’s with matching shoes and purses, arranging the furniture in their house, and making sure it all looked… organized.
But I don’t think I ever truly played.
A family friend says I was the only 3 year old she ever knew to arrange her sock drawer. Not kidding!
In fifth grade I was given an award for reading the most books in my class. Because I read every day during recess.
What these things have in common is control and escape. I’m describing coping mechanisms that I adopted in my youth to try and make sense out of a dysfunctional home life. While dolls and books aren’t unusual activities for a kid, in my case, they were born out of an attempt to create comfort and distraction, not from imagination. And playfulness was nowhere to be found.
It’s easy to slip into an amateur psychoanalysis about all of this. And, believe me, I have! But that’s not the assignment.
The assignment is to PLAY. Not to contemplate or catalog the absence of play.
Gah!
I’d rather do the deep healing dive into the underworld and meet all my demons one by one. Or tend to all the inner children’s needs.
Or go to the dreaded shopping mall on a Sunday.
I’d rather fold fitted sheets than play.
I’d rather spend the entire moon cycle listing all the other things I’d prefer to do than play.
Hello trickster flight reflex! Funny how you have masked the urge to escape as a humorous interlude.
As per usual when feeling stuck, I asked for guidance in my morning meditation.
Why am I avoiding play?
It’s unfamiliar. The nervous system reacts to the unknown as if it were danger. It’s activated the flight reflex in a misguided attempt to keep you safe.
That tracks. It makes perfect sense and ties in with everything I’ve learned about healing, nervous system regulation and resistance. The good news is that I have tools to deal with this now that I know what’s going on. Parts of me are literally afraid to play because they don’t know how.
How do I begin? (Seriously, I have no clue how to even approach this foreign activity!)
Choose something simple and do it for just a few minutes at a time. Build something with sticks and rocks in the forest, get out the paints and splash some color on a big sheet of paper and then put it on the refrigerator, turn on some fun music and dance as if no one is watching (also close the curtains to assure that no one actually is), make up a silly song and sing in the shower.
And sparkles. Something to do with sparkles, but that part isn’t yet clear.
Ok, this is all much more approachable than what my mind makes it out to be. I don’t need to totally rearrange my life or instantly become an expert on the subject. I don’t even really need to know exactly what I’m doing.
I just need to make space and time to engage in activities that are motivated by fun rather than productivity.
Most of all I need to be willing to trust my guidance and step out of my comfort zone. How often have I said some version of this to my clients or Reiki students? A gazillion and two.
While today is a rather full work day, I’m going to at least begin this journey by carving out some time in my calendar over the next few days to 1) do some nervous system regulation and 2) build a mini fort in the woods or paint, depending on the weather 3) make a note for the bathroom mirror reminding me to sing, preferably with an imaginary microphone. 🎤 4) rinse and repeat.
So what assignment are you avoiding? Are you willing to increase your capacity to be uncomfortable so you can tackle it? What small step can you take today to get started in the direction you want to go?
Finally, can you come over to play sometime?