I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. But I’m frequently certain that I’m doing it all wrong, whatever it is.

Sure, some things are obvious. Brush and floss, Reiki treatments, shopping, family dinners, estimated quarterly taxes. But mostly I’m just bumbling along, meeting with whatever arises and putting one foot in front of the other.

I keep following the breadcrumbs as they appear on the path before me. It’s unclear if I’m actually going anywhere or even if there is someplace else to go. I suspect a map of my journey would look like it was planned by a drunk bumblebee.

It’s hard to measure progress on the spiritual journey. First of all, how do you even define progress? It has nothing to do with calculations or projections, although maybe you could try tallying dopamine hits? Second, how do you quantify the results? I don’t think you can.

Much of the time, my life looks to be moving along uneventfully when internally, big change is unfolding. GPS might think I’m just spinning my wheels, stuck in one place, but in reality, I’m climbing a spiral staircase. I traverse the highest highs and deepest depths but haven’t moved an inch.  

Other times, my life looks to be a complete dumpster fire from the outside, but I’m bizarrely peaceful and accepting. That’s because I’m just being with all the things as they come up.

My intention is to move deliberately in the direction I want to go without clinging to any idea of being right or making demands. I point myself towards my goal, knowing I may get sidetracked, I may not want it by the time I get it, and I might have chosen something that is not for me to have. I don’t know what this quest will require of me when I set out, but nonetheless I go.

What I’ve learned is that I don’t need to know what I’m doing. I don’t need to know all the reasons and it’s not necessary to analyze all the data. That’s above my clearance level. It’s my job to pay attention, to follow the clues, to be kind, curious, generous and patient.

What I know is that every step counts. Each action, each decision or indecision, every mantra and prayer counts. Not in any predictable way that accountants could catalog. No, it’s very different on the astral plane. I’m not yet sure of the conversion ratios, but it is evident to me that there is a response to every action, whether we are aware of this or not.

So, I keep meeting with my emotions, examining my beliefs and strategies and doing my daily practices. I’m learning to trust that my soul is guiding me to my greatest good and that my efforts have rewards, even if I can’t see them because they take time to accumulate.

I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. But right now, I’d like a cup of tea, so I’m going to brew one and see what happens next.