Gnat Attack and The Nine of Swords

Lessons on being bothered, botherable and bothersome

It’s my hope to convey the message that we are all on our own unique paths that unfold before us if we’re paying attention. The healing journey requires courage, devotion, curiosity, compassion and some grit but it is fully accessible from wherever you are right now. You don’t need to achieve or accomplish anything, spend a lot of money, fly to Tibet or dabble in psychedelics.

Here I am, back with another insect analogy. I love how Life can use anything to teach me a lesson. Lemme just put it out there that I’d very much prefer future lessons to come from flowers or puppies. Just sayin’.

I’ve been persecuted by gnats in my home for several weeks now. At least that’s how it feels. They are constantly in my face, trying to fly up my nose. !$% Such jerks! I’ve become hyper-defensive, flinching and swatting every time a breeze blows a strand of hair or any unexpected object enters my visual field.

They have uncanny timing, waiting until I let my guard down or my hands are occupied before attacking.

The other day, I clapped my hands abruptly to smash a phantom bug while talking to a client. Exemplary professional behavior, Pamela, good job! I just said, “Sorry, gnats.” And being a kind person, she just nodded and told me they’re attracted to the carbon dioxide in my exhales.

So they’re not actually out to get me! It still feels that way. The prevailing suggestion online is an electric bug zapper on Amazon. Ugh. I don’t want any more cheap gadgets made in sweatshops in China. I also don’t want to support the gazillionaire bro’s future ventures into space.

So I tried a natural route, making a “trap” with apple cider vinegar, sugar, dish soap and water. I’m now responsible for drowning DOZENS of the buggers. AND THERE IS STILL ONE CONSTANTLY IN MY FACE.

They’re there when I’m washing dishes. Brushing my teeth. Eating breakfast. At my desk. On the couch.

I try to be unflappable, unbotherable, unaffected by this silliness. And as soon as I close my eyes to enjoy my righteous zen-ness, there’s another one on a kamikaze mission trying to enter my nostril. They seem to prefer the left one. ?

I am utterly affected, bothered, flappable. Like this guy:

Enough is enough. I went to the local hardware store, but they don’t carry what I want. They have a bigger zapper, meant for outdoors, with a rechargeable battery. I don’t want any more lithium batteries on my conscience and for the love of all that is holy, no more charging cords, please! Plus, it’s just too big for my space.

This has gone on for weeks. Did I already say that? I got distracted by two of these monsters hovering and lost my train of thought. I’m cracking myself up at the utter absurdity of being bested by the smallest foe ever.

Then today’s tarot card: the 9 of Swords, deemed “Cruelty” in this deck. Ouch. I’ve met this one before, so I already knew the message is about SELF cruelty. And it all clicked into place. The back pain that I’ve been writing about for the past few weeks, the freaking infestation of tiny flying tormentors and a lack of self-acceptance and kindness.

I’m a big fan of using tarot to answer the question: what am I not seeing? It’s been a huge help in shining a spotlight on things I’ve swept under the rug. This lovely image comes from the Thoth deck. I’m not going to delve into the traditional meaning as this particular context is unique and the synchronicity all points to just one interpretation.

I’ve been treating the discomfort in my body like a problem. Understandably so. But I do truly believe that it’s a message that I’m out of alignment, a message that started softly and grew in volume over time to its current LOUD level. It’s not a problem; it’s meant to help me. I’ve been addressing it like I do the gnats- flailing wildly hoping to crush the sucker.

Swat. Smash. Smush. Just GO THE BLEEP AWAY.

When I treat myself, any part of myself, including my feelings, needs, sensations or experiences as a bother, I’m rejecting and abandoning the very parts that are crying out for attention and support. Oof.

Much of my life I’ve felt like a bother. Like my emotions were too much for others to handle, that my needs were best kept under wraps and secretly worked out on my own in ways that didn’t upset those around me. That it was just better, safer even, to be quiet and invisible and not cause anyone to go out of their way on my behalf.

While my external behavior has shifted over the years and I’ve learned to take up space (often) and ask for what I want (not as often, but more than before), on the inside there remains a subtle cruelty, an internally abusive environment where I blame AND (LOL I JUST HIT CAPS LOCK WHILE AIMING FOR A GNAT) JUDGE MYSELF FOR ALL MY IMPERFECTIONS and keep the bar impossibly high.

Like my shopping, spending, eating habits. Like the very extensive physical therapy I’ve designed for myself, complete with morning, noon and night applications. (I don’t recommend this unless you also have 30 years experience with yoga plus extensive training and 22 years experience practicing bodywork and a full-time hobby of holistic healing.)

I believe that harboring internal malice sets the stage for future disease. The big, bad diseases that I really wish to avoid. NOTE: I’m not saying that cruel self-talk = disease or that anybody with disease is responsible for creating it. It’s much more complicated than that. But, I believe, one of the factors involved, and the one I have the most control over, is self-rejection/abandonment and the biochemical stew it creates.

Therefore, I do want to be informed of unconscious patterns that could cause potential harm. And I want to welcome the messenger with a hug, hot towels and a hearty meal, a warm bed and perhaps a foot massage, not a big ole No Trespassing sign.

I am delighted to report that I’ve just received an email about how XYZ is not a problem, it’s a message from the body. Love it! When you carefully curate your inbox, it works as a lovely oracle, often reinforcing the thread you’re pulling.

I’m also delighted to report that I’ve ordered the preferred zapper from the stupid company I try to avoid. I already have a hundred dead bugs weighing on my karma and my sanity is clearly hanging precariously. I’m calling it an act of kindness to myself.

I’m also hoping that by the time it arrives I won’t need it anymore and can simply send it back. Perhaps the willingness to acquire support is the opening for the relief I crave?

I also note the danger here of opening the door to a compulsive shopping spree, overspending on things that are not aligned with my values or mission and calling it self-care. I’m not falling for that hook again! But this one item seems a good investment. So is the time I’m taking today and hence forth to cultivate an energy of self-acceptance and appreciation to remedy the self-cruelty that still lingers in the shadows.

And, finally, I arrive at the point. (If you’re new here, there generally is a point and somehow it magically appears throughout my meandering words.) I wish to be aware of the motivation behind all my actions. Am I acting out of kindness and generosity (in general, but more specifically towards myself), or am I pushing away an upset or wounded part that is “bugging” me? Clearly only one of these strategies will lead to uncovering wholeness and healing.

So, my friend, what’s bugging you these days? Could there be a subtle message about how you’re treating yourself in ways that are unkind? Or maybe an altogether different message? I always love to hear your feedback and musings, so let me know!

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