Are You a Fair-Weather Friend?
Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I’m delighted you’re here!! I hope these words ignite a spark of self-compassion within you. You might also enjoy the accompanying guided audio practice, Befriending Yourself, which I’ve recorded as a bonus for paid subscribers.
I’m guessing that if you’re reading these words, you consider yourself to be a solid, reliable, kind friend. (Most of us on a spiritual path do.)
Possibly to lots of people, maybe even animals and plants too. 😄
But are you a good friend to yourself? Can you be with yourself through discomfort, upset and pain? Or does the desire to escape, to distract, to numb become so compelling that you turn away, stuff it down, drown it out?
I’ve been feeling this in myself lately. My old frenemy, sciatica, has returned for a visit and I’ve been rejecting it and my feelings, my presence, and my very essence along with it.
Go away. Not now. Not ever, actually. Buh-bye and have a nice life.
But when I turn towards the sensations and the resulting emotions and thoughts and bring warmth and caring attention to it all, to ME, well, things soften.
Maybe not the zinging aches, but the secondary/optional suffering that comes from rejecting the experience. And then, sometimes, when I’m extra loving, and generous of spirit, sometimes the pain lessens, and I can think clearly about an effective strategy rather than jumping to my primary coping mechanisms.
It seems many, if not all, of these coping mechanisms are fight, flight or freeze in disguise. If I feel the need to roll up my sleeves, get to work, do something, anything … well there you have a fight response.
If there’s a desire to go somewhere, even to my temple in the forest or shopping for groceries, if it’s born from an urge to get away, well, that’s flight. Funny thing is, I can’t ever get away from myself, so it’s rather ineffective.
If I just want to go back to bed, zone out in front of the TV or scroll mindlessly on my phone, that’s freeze.
The way to tell is to look at the motivation and how integrated I am, body, mind and spirit. To me, survival responses feel instinctive, there’s no cognitive reasoning or intuitive guidance involved, and they’re generally related to escape or numbing out.
The more I practice being with myself, the more likely I’m going to choose to do this when times get tough and I actually need my awareness. It’s easier to choose to stay when you have a habit of doing so.
And if I can take it one step further, and become a compassionate listener to my inner voice, the inner child(ren), the abandoned, neglected, rejected parts of myself, well that’s even better.
Being seen and heard is a universal human need. Meaning, everybody needs to be known and understood by others to be a well-adjusted, healthy person. Sadly, so many of us don’t often receive caring attention. You can see the result of this online, with people spouting off in inappropriate forums.
I have a knack of attracting strangers who haven’t gotten their needs met and want to tell me their stories. I don’t have the capacity to hold space for everyone I pass on the street, but I do have compassion for them. I get it. And if I could teach every kindergartener how to hold space for themselves and others, I’d gladly sign up for that job.
I heard about a woman who ran a How to Speak Powerfully seminar that sold out quickly. But her How to Listen Deeply seminar was cancelled due to low enrollment. I had to laugh because it’s true, but really, it’s a sad state of affairs with so many wanting to be heard and so few willing to listen.
This is the world we live in. There’s a lot of disconnection and isolation and many interactions are superficial and deeply unsatisfying. This is why I prefer solitude and trees over most gatherings. I’m lucky enough to have a handful of friends who know how to listen, and this is a type of support we share with one another.
But it’s unfair to rely entirely on other people to do the listening if I haven’t been tuned inwards as well. It seems pretty common to outsource all our needs to partners and family and co-workers, but clearly that isn’t working well.
What if your first response was to turn towards yourself and offer loving attention to your own needs, your hurt feelings, your confusion, overwhelm or disappointment? To take some time extending loving kindness towards yourself rather than turning away.
It’s possible to learn to listen to your own feelings and needs, ideally without judgment or criticism. To welcome your emotions and thoughts, to tend to your wobbles and wounds, to be kind and generous with yourself.
Instead of fighting, fleeing, or collapsing see if you can muster up the courage to stay present and give yourself the same level of devotion you would offer to a dear friend.
Can you become an all-weather friend to yourself and build up the trust that no matter what, you’ll be available, accepting, and kind? And when you forget, can you be gentle and forgiving?
If self-compassion is new to you, it will likely take some practice to let go of your default patterns. Making a daily practice of sitting quietly and tuning in to your inner world will do wonders over time. Journaling can give an outlet to the mental and emotional debris and help to sort things out. Getting enough rest and proper nutrition will bolster the energy necessary to do this inner work.
We have a full moon in Capricorn on June 21 at 9:08 pm eastern time. The cosmic energies are particularly supportive of rolling up our sleeves and nurturing ourselves. If you find yourself craving attention and not finding someone to willingly provide it, the entire universe is nudging you to be your own BFF.
You’ve got this! You already know how to be a good friend. You might not have directed those same efforts toward yourself, but now you can.
It’s totally worth it. I promise.
